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مرحبا بالسادة الزوار يسرنا إنضمامكم لمنتدى النجم العربى الكبير جمال سليمان



 
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 قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.

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مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 4:47 am



-







a joke Very Happy Very Happy

The Bathtub Test


It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'



~~~~~~~~


__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
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عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: Pearls   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 4:56 am










study Sleep


Pearls



Jenny was a bright-eyed, pretty five-year-old girl.

One day when she and her mother were checking out at the grocery store, Jenny saw a plastic pearl necklace priced at $2.50. How she wanted that necklace and when she asked her mother if she would buy it for her, her mother said, "Well, it is a pretty necklace, but it costs an awful lot of money. I'll tell you what. I'll buy you the necklace, and when we get home we can make up a list of chores that you can do to pay for the necklace. And don't forget that for your birthday Grandma just might give you a whole dollar bill, too. Okay?"



Jenny agreed, and her mother bought the pearl necklace for her. Jenny worked on her chores very hard every day, and sure enough, her Grandma gave her a brand new dollar bill for her birthday. Soon Jenny had paid off the pearls.

How Jenny loved those pearls. She wore them everywhere to kindergarten, bed, and when she went out with her mother to run errands. The only time she didn't wear them was in the shower - her mother had told her that they would turn her neck green. Now Jenny had a very loving daddy. When Jenny went to bed, he would get up from his favorite chair every night and read Jenny her favorite story. One night when he finished the story, he said, "Jenny, do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you," the little girl said.

"Well, then, give me your pearls."

"Oh! Daddy, not my pearls!" Jenny said. "But you can have Rosie, my favorite doll. Remember her? You gave her to me last year for my birthday. And you can have her tea party outfit, too. Okay?"

"Oh no, darling, that's okay." Her father brushed her cheek with a kiss. "Good night, little one."

A week later, her father once again asked Jenny after her story, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you."

"Well, then, give me your pearls."

"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls! But you can have Ribbons, my toy horse. Do you remember her? She's my favorite. Her hair is so soft, and you can play with it and braid it and everything. You can have Ribbons if you want her, Daddy," the little girl said to her father.

"No, that's okay," her father said and brushed her cheek again with a kiss. "God bless you, little one. Sweet dreams."

Several days later, when Jenny's father came in to read her a story, Jenny was sitting on her bed and her lip was trembling. "Here, Daddy," she said, and held out her hand. She opened it and her beloved pearl necklace was inside. She let it slip into her father's hand. With one hand her father held the plastic pearls and with the other he pulled out of his pocket a blue velvet box.

Inside of the box were real, genuine, beautiful pearls.

He had them all along. He was waiting for Jenny to give up the cheap stuff so he could give her the real thing. So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasure. Isn't God good?

Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of?

Are you holding onto harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities which you have become so attached to that it seems impossible to let go?

Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing....... ......... .

God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.



&&&&&&&&

__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
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عدد الرسائل : 4069
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مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 5:32 am








humor Very Happy


Kids View of Marriage and Relationships



HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
*******

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twentythree is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

*******

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
*******

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
*******

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
*******

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
*******

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
*******

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaperchanging." Kirsten, age 10
*******

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7
*******

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10



__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
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عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: Missing Wife   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 6:11 am







a joke Very Happy Very Happy




Missing Wife



A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."





~~~~~~~~


__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
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عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 6:14 am







a story

study Sleep

5 - MINUTE MANAGEMENT LESSONS






Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


*********

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


*********

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.


*********

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


*********

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


*********

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the Winter.It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of this story

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.


(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth

shut!






&&&&&&&
__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
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مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 6:28 am









a humor Very Happy


How to catch a Lion?






Newton 's Method:

Let, the lion catch you.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Implies you caught lion.

************ ********

Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.

Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.

Now you can trap it easily.

************ ********

Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.

If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

************ ********

Indian Police Method:

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .

************ ********

Rajnikanth Method :

Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.

The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

************ ********

Jayalalitha Method:

Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

************ ********

Manirathnam Method (director):

Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted.

Keep murmuring something in its ears.

The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

************ ********

Karan Johar Method (director):

Send a lioness into the forest.

Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.

Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.

First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.

But 2nd lioness loves both lions.

Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.

You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

************ ********

Yash Chopra method (director):

Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

************ ********

Govinda method:

Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days. The Lion will drop dead just watching!

************ ********

Menaka Gandhi method:

Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

************ ********

George bush method:

Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

************ ********

Ravi Shastri method:

Ask the lion to bowl at u.

U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run

Lion tired and surrenders





***********
__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
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عدد الرسائل : 4069
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تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: Similarity   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 7:27 am

[color=olive][







sms


Similarity

jocolor




Similarity between Gandhiji & Mallika?
Dono NE kapde tyag diye,
Ek NE desh ke liye,
Doosre NE Deshwasion ke liye!



~~~~~~~~~



Exams ke 4 din pehle syllabus dekha to yaad aaya,
Kuch To Hua Hai Kuch Ho Gaya Hai,

Exams ke din paper dekh kar yaad aaya,
Sab Kuch Alag Hai Sab Kuch Naya Hai



~~~~~~~~~



Teacher asked the back bencher,"Mere haath mein kya hai?"
Student ,"Kitab hai sir."
Teacher,"Jor se bolo!"
Bola ,"JAI MATA DI"



~~~~~~~~~



Beta on phone: Ma khush khabri hai,
Ma: bol beta
Beta: Hum 2 k jaga 3 hogaye hain.
Ma: mubarak ho, beta hua ya beti?
Beta: Meri biwi n dusri shadi kerli.



~~~~~~~~~

__,_._,___ /color]
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
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عدد الرسائل : 4069
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تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: Gold Wrapping Paper   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 7:33 am






a story


Sleep study


Gold Wrapping Paper



The story goes that some time ago a mother punished her five year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper.

Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and then said, "This is for you, Momma."

The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was empty. She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner.

"Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?"

She had tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Momma, it's not empty! I blew kisses into it until it was full."

The mother was crushed. She fell on her knees and put her arms around her little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later, and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life.

Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each of us, as human beings, have been given a Golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and GOD.

There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.



&&&&&&&&
__,_._,___

الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
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عدد الرسائل : 4069
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تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: Who needs prayers ??   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 7:36 am









a joke

Very Happy Very Happy

Who needs prayers ??



A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"


"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.


My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."


So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male alking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"


One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!! !!!"

~~~~~~~~


__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
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عدد الرسائل : 4069
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تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: Woman's Ultimate Fantasy   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 8:03 am










a joke Very Happy Very Happy


Woman's Ultimate Fantasy



A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,

when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.

He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.

Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.

"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."

Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Clean... my... house."

~~~~~~~~


__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
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عدد الرسائل : 4069
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تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 8:45 am














humor Very Happy


Words women use





Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

***********

Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

***********

Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

***********

Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

***********

Loud Sigh

Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

***********

That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

***********

Thanks

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.





**
__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
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عدد الرسائل : 4069
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تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:07 am








a joke

Very Happy Very Happy


Wrong Flowers




A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

~~~~~~~~


__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
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عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:10 am









humor Smile



The Resignation Letter


A Boss looking through his Mail Box was astonished to see a mail from an Employee who was supposed to be busy working at Client side on a critical project. It had the subject - "TaTa - Bye Bye". With the worst premonition he opened the mail and read the content with trembling hands:-

Dear Sir,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving the job. The offer was too lucrative and attractive for me to turn down. I had to abscond because I wanted to avoid a scene with the HR and you. I am sorry but I had no choice.

The project is working fine. There are only 108 issues pending, out of which only 38% issues are High Priority. Hence I am sure there is no need to worry about. The next Phase of major enhancements I have been working upon, have been completed halfway. I am sure the new person who would replace me would not understand what all I had done so far. Hence, for his and your convenience, I have taken care to remove all the work that I had been doing this far for nearly 3 months now. I am sure you will appreciate my insight and "big heart".

I am of course retaining the Originals that I had retrieved for the purpose of Passport verification with me, considering it as a parting gift from you. Of course, I will not pay the bond amount that I owe the company (since I Am breaking the bond). But I will consider this as a parting gift from our Dear company. I moving out of town since the new company is situated in another City.

Also, I have changed my contact number. So you will not be able to get in touch with me, to congratulate me. But I know your blessings are always with me. Last but not the least. I also have the Rs 12000 entrusted to me by our company's cultural events group, for the upcoming movie event. I am sure you would have wanted me to keep it with myself as an added bonus from our company. I respect you very much, hence your wish is my command.

Don't worry sir. I am 2 years experienced now, learning so much from your company. So I will surely use this knowledge to write better programs for the new company. Someday I'm sure we will meet sometime in the future. If you wish, I will surely be glad to give my employee reference for you to apply for a job in the new company which I am joining.

Your faithful employee,
S. W. Engineer

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PS". Hands still trembling, the Boss read:

PS: Dearest Boss, none of the above is true. I'm am still busy working at client side. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my "Request to reconsider my Salary Appraisal" attached with this mail. Please approve it and call when it is safe for me to come to our Office to discuss this.

My respect and Best Regards to you!

Thanks & regards
__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
avatar

عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:19 am











sms Very Happy

Advice







Hi Smarty Pass this advice to all girls:

Do not play with street dogs,
You may get rabies.

And Do not play with smart boys,
You may get babies... ;-)



~~~~~~~~~



Come here, take of ur pants & knickerz, get on the top of me.
Enjoy until u get statisfied..

Lovingly urs-----, "

.

.

.

.

.

I------ TOILET".



~~~~~~~~~



How do u recognize a SARDAR in school ?

They are the ones who erase their notebooks
When the teacher erases the blackboard !!



~~~~~~~~~



Soni was about to give birth to a baby.

Santa: If it looks like you, it would be great.

Soni: If it looks like you, it would be a miracle.



~~~~~~~~~


__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
avatar

عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:22 am











humor Very Happy



New Dating Dictionary



ATTRACTION.. ... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE. .... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING. .... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY.. ... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC. .... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.



************

__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
avatar

عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:25 am










a joke Very Happy Very Happy


21st century bride !!





A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.

She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:

"My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family",

she said "Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the patriarch of the family.

What I mean dad is:

Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.

As for me, I am here just to control your son!

********

This is called bride from 21st Century!!!!



~~~~~~~~


__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
avatar

عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:34 am

[i]









humor Smile

Dog Logic





The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than heloves himself. - Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate. - Anonymous

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise- Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.- Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret



**********

__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
avatar

عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:38 am

[b]









sms jocolor



Propose



Propose karne ka sher:

Kutta mar gaya rajaai mein,
Main paagal ho gaya teri judaai mein
Haathi nadi mein beh nahin sakta,Apun tere bina reh nahin sakta...



~~~~~~~~~



Tumsa koi doosra zameen par hua,
Toh Rab se shikayat hogi....

Ek toh jhella nahi jaata,
Doosra AA gaya to kya halat hogi!!!



~~~~~~~~~



Sharab sharir ko khatam karti hai
Sharab samaj ko khatam karti hai
Aao aaj is sharab ko khatam karte hai
Ek botal tum khatam karo ek hum khatam karte hai.



~~~~~~~~~



What is the diff. Between dava & daru?

Ans: Dava is like girlfriend that comes with expiry date.
Daru is like WIFE, jitni PURANI hogi UTNA sir CHAD ke bolegi...



~~~~~~~~~




__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
avatar

عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: Summer Classes For Men   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:49 am

[b]






humor Smile Smile




Summer Classes For Men






SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE "LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS"
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY September 30,2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

******

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

******

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 p.m. for 2 hours.

******

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

******

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

******

Class 5

After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

******

Class 6

Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

******

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places and Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

******

Class 8

Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

******

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 P.M. - Location to be determined.

******

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

******

Class 11




Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

******

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion:
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

******

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

******

Class 14

The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

******

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors!


************
__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
avatar

عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:53 am







-

a joke Very Happy Very Happy




Elderly Couple





A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says, "You."



~~~~~~~~


__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
avatar

عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: 21st Century....   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 8:59 pm

[b]








Smile


21st Century....

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our food - Fatless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Boss - Brainless

Our Salary - Very less



************

__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
avatar

عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:09 pm











sms Very Happy




Problem






Patient: mujhe problem hai. Na khaon to bhok lagti hai, na sou to neend aati hai, zada kam kar k thak jata hoon.

Doctor : sari raat dhoop main betho theek ho jao gaye.



~~~~~~~~~



Wife: main tang AA AI tusi hamesha mera ghar, meri car, mera beta, mera mera he karde ho. Kade sada v keha karo, Hun almari vitchon ki lab rahe ho?

Sardar: sada Kachha :p



~~~~~~~~~



Sardar ji was buying ticket on every station.

Friend: why don't u buy 1 ticket for the whole trip?

Sardar ji: my doctor told me not to take long trips.



~~~~~~~~~



Sardar: tere result DA ki banya?

Pappu: madam kendi is class vich 1 saal hor lagana hai.

Sardar: phir theek hai, saal chahe 2,3 hor lag jayn, bas fail na hona.



~~~~~~~~~

__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
avatar

عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:13 pm

[b]









humor Very Happy


Classified ads





These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake...


******

MONDAY: For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.


******

TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishanth's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."


******

WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of t he error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.


******

THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit!







*********
__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
avatar

عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:16 pm









a joke Very Happy



Tree with A Wheel !!!



You may have seen vehicles with wheel....... ........ (2Wheeler, 3 Wheeler, 4wheeler... etc...)

You may have seen chairs with wheel... (Wheel Chair....)


But have you have ever seen a tree with A Wheel....... ......... .


This is a real wonder...... ..






Please see below....... .

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~~~~~~~~



__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
نجم الجماهير
avatar

عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 42
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008

مُساهمةموضوع: رد: قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.   الثلاثاء 05 أغسطس 2008, 9:20 pm

[b]









a sms Smile


Why running ?






A sardar was running with his pregnant wife, who was about to deliver,

When another sardar asked him, "O pernam Singh, oye moti nu ais haal vitch Le ke kithey puj rya vain,"
Pernam Singh replied, "assi Pizza hut chaley aan, sunya AA othey free delivery hondi AAA."



~~~~~~~~~



Father: Tumhe kaisi biwi chahiye?

Son: Mujhe chand jai is biwi chahiye, Jo raat ko aaye aur subha chali jaye!



~~~~~~~~~



Teacher:" What is your name?".
Student: " Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."

Teacher:" When I ask a question in English, answer it in English."
Student:" My name is Sunlight



~~~~~~~~~



Wife: kaash main newspaper hoti din bhar tumhare hathon me rehti.

Hus: meri bhi yahi dua hai rab se issi bahane her din nayi nayi to milti.



~~~~~~~~~




__,_._,___
الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة اذهب الى الأسفل
معاينة صفحة البيانات الشخصي للعضو
 
قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.
استعرض الموضوع السابق استعرض الموضوع التالي الرجوع الى أعلى الصفحة 
صفحة 4 من اصل 24انتقل الى الصفحة : الصفحة السابقة  1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 14 ... 24  الصفحة التالية

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